It honestly hurts my heart to be writing that my Peace Corps service has prematurely come to an end, but it has. I never, ever would have imagined 16 months ago that I would end my service just 9 months shy of my 27 month commitment. Life is both beautiful, and incredibly cruel at times. For reasons that are both out of my and Peace Corp's control, I cannot finish my term and have been granted Interrupted Service. What does that mean, exactly? Well, besides being totally and horribly sucky, it means that I am still considered a Returned Peace Corps Volunteer who, by any other measure, successfully finished my service. But, excuse my language, that's bullshit. I did not succeed.
The Philippines was my home for a year and five months. I left behind people whom I considered my family. I had so, so much more I wanted to do and goals I hoped to fulfill. My students will not know, not by my narration any way, why elephants have noses. I won't get the chance to paint a mural of the world on my school's walls. I'll never again get to observe the majestic sea turtles while snorkeling at San Juan beach. I will never know if the trike driver who was permanently parked in front of my host family's house will get a haircut like he told me he was going to every day. I'll never find out if Carlos found his tsinelas that he mysteriously lost in the middle of the school day. I have so many unanswered questions!
I told Noella that I would bless her the next time I saw her because my hands were completely full at the time she asked me, in her sweetest voice, to "bless, po." I'll never get to do that now and I will never forgive myself for it. My fifth grade classes were learning simple past and present tense verbs at the time I left for what I thought was a weekend trip to Manila. I know they will learn the simple future tense, they are smart kids and have more than capable teachers, but it hurts my heart to know that I won't be the one to teach them it. I failed them. I failed myself.
I distinctly remember writing a blog post about my biggest fear of letting people down as a Peace Corps Volunteer, it's even in the archives as proof. My biggest fear has come into realization. I know you're probably thinking that I'm being super dramatic and that I just need to move on, Peace Corps doesn't last forever for anyone. But, if you're reading this and you're a current PCV or a RPCV, then you understand where I'm coming from. I put my whole heart into my service. How do you explain to the people in your community that you have to leave them for no apparent reason at all? I would have much rather broke my leg in five places so that I couldn't walk and needed surgery because then at least my exit would make some sense. But, that's not what happened. I was there, apart of the community, making plans to attend a baptism the following month one moment, and gone the next.
I will forever be grateful for the once in a lifetime experiences I was given the opportunity to have for over a year, I was seriously spoiled. But, I think I will always also mourn for the experiences I will never know. Just like there are pieces of myself scattered throughout Honduras, Peru, and Uganda, I'm now also in the Philippines, Aklan and Batangas in particular.
Please excuse me while I purchase my own bell to ring for anyone who will listen and try not to dwell on the fact that the year and five months of my life that were so beautifully fulfilling are now tapos na.
